Season of Unlearning

My heart bleeds, day after day.

The past still has its claws in me.

Death grips my soul,

and with every ounce of strength,

I fight to break free.

I try to keep my eyes forward—

to breathe in today,

to let go of yesterday’s pain.

But like a demon from hell,

it seizes me again, demanding every cell of my being,

so used to controlling me.

What I would give to rewrite my past.

What I would give to end it all

and begin again.

No one understands.

No one feels this agony.

Men lined up quickly,

hastily and greedily,

seeking my Shangri-La—

lust without love,

desire without depth,

touch without sincerity.

No one has loved me past my flaws.

No one has walked with me through the dark nights.

No one has been strong enough to hear the anguish of my heart,

to heal the pieces broken so long ago,

to stand as my strong tower—

my knight in shining armor—

gentle with the most beautiful and broken parts of me,

willing to protect them with every last ounce of energy.

Years spent living in fear.

Years running in circles,

pushing wisdom aside,

never realizing that pain and devastation

had driven me into arrogance and pride.

I am humbled by my pain—

humbled that I made choices

based on lies.

Humbled that millions of breaths passed

before I realized how much time

I had wasted trying to rewrite the past

instead of living for the future.

Humbled that I held onto my pain

like a long-lost lover.

Humbled to be alone—

yet grateful for the solitude and peace

that now surround me.

I am humbled,

so very humbled…

but I am also grateful.

Grateful for this painful humility,

for it has dulled the sharp edges

of ego and pride.

I am encouraged—

tomorrow holds new opportunities

to try again.

I am hopeful—

for tomorrow carries the mysteries

of new territory,

the beginnings of a new me.

And now I know—

it is safe to let go

of the pain that turned to pride,

so I can love,

and be loved,

completely.