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Since the very conception of my being, my life has never been my own. Cursed and unwanted in the womb. Used as a pawn in battles that were never mine. Desecrated, diminished. Passed around, passed over. Left behind, forgotten. Those dearest to me stolen by a thief in the night. So much darkness. So much pain. Each time I reached out, it only brought new lashes from the very hands that claimed to love me. I learned too quickly: reaching out was not safe. Forced to dance to another’s melody. Forced to love in twisted ways. Forced to smile, to pretend. Taught to hide behind masks. Shamed. Forsaken. Burdened with secrets that were never mine to carry. The exhaustion is bone-deep, a slow death creeping through my soul. I reach out again— but my words fall on deaf ears. So, alone I stand. Waiting. Hoping. Hoping someone will see me— and love me for me. Not for beauty. Not for what I can offer. Not for fleeting pleasure. But simply… to love me. So I stand. Alone. Waiting. Hoping. Desiring a love that will stretch to the ends of the earth. A love that is unconditional. A love that bears burdens. A love that is gentle, safe, and kind. A love that leaves no scars. A love that does not spit upon my face. A love that covers and protects. A love that does not betray or reject. A love that does not silence me, or demand I wear masks. Some call it a fairytale. And yet—still I wait. In the quiet, something brilliant breaks through, the reality of my existence. I am already part of the greatest love story ever told, and the fairytale I longed for, was mine all along.

My heart bleeds, day after day. The past still has its claws in me. Death grips my soul, and with every ounce of strength, I fight to break free. I try to keep my eyes forward— to breathe in today, to let go of yesterday’s pain. But like a demon from hell, it seizes me again, demanding every cell of my being, so used to controlling me. What I would give to rewrite my past. What I would give to end it all and begin again. No one understands. No one feels this agony. Men lined up quickly, hastily and greedily, seeking my Shangri-La— lust without love, desire without depth, touch without sincerity. No one has loved me past my flaws. No one has walked with me through the dark nights. No one has been strong enough to hear the anguish of my heart, to heal the pieces broken so long ago, to stand as my strong tower— my knight in shining armor— gentle with the most beautiful and broken parts of me, willing to protect them with every last ounce of energy. Years spent living in fear. Years running in circles, pushing wisdom aside, never realizing that pain and devastation had driven me into arrogance and pride. I am humbled by my pain— humbled that I made choices based on lies. Humbled that millions of breaths passed before I realized how much time I had wasted trying to rewrite the past instead of living for the future. Humbled that I held onto my pain like a long-lost lover. Humbled to be alone— yet grateful for the solitude and peace that now surround me. I am humbled, so very humbled… but I am also grateful. Grateful for this painful humility, for it has dulled the sharp edges of ego and pride. I am encouraged— tomorrow holds new opportunities to try again. I am hopeful— for tomorrow carries the mysteries of new territory, the beginnings of a new me. And now I know— it is safe to let go of the pain that turned to pride, so I can love, and be loved, completely.

SURRENDER Surrender feels so frightening— an unknown journey. Too many past horrors to risk laying down my authority. People see, they judge, without ever knowing my story. So I build walls, brick by brick, with endless energy. The faster I move, the less I think. Distraction becomes my shield against the stench fear left behind. Blind, I cannot see the bind I am in— the prison I built by believing the lies, spoken long ago to steal away my spirit, to silence my soul. Surrender feels so frightening—an unknown journey. Too many past horrors to risk laying down my authority. So I whisper, day after day: Surrender is not an option. Keep moving. Keep moving. Don’t stop. Don’t feel. Quickly wondering— is it all in vain? Keep moving. Keep moving. I must produce. Keep moving. Keep moving. But the nuts and bolts are coming loose. And deep inside, a single chant echoes: Keep moving or die… Keep moving or die… Keep moving or die… SURRENDERING But then— a moment of stillness. A time to stop and ponder what my life has truly been about. No longer a child— not for a long while. It was time to live by His style. Surrender is still frightening, unknown territory… yet it whispers of freedom, of my true authority. As I grow, I begin to flow in the liberty given to me long ago. Authority to speak life, to call miracles into existence. Authority to confront evil without resistance. Authority to crush the enemy’s head. Authority to sing hope into the walking dead— the dead of heart, the dead of spirit. I lift my voice, so they may hear it. And the more I surrender, the more I grow— making it easier now to ebb and flow. The lies fade into the distance, their power at last undone. And when I look into the mirror, I finally see— the woman I was created to be. SURRENDERED To live surrendered— such a holy feat. It is more than a seat at the table. It is bowing low, humbly, at Jesus’ feet. It is stillness without the crutch of pills. It is meekness, quiet strength while the heart seeks. It is laying pride aside, allowing His hands to unweave the lies. And now my heart stirs— beating a melody brand new, a song no one else has heard, crafted by the Hands of Love. A new day has dawned. Pride laid down, I rise into a new stride. I sit quietly, sweetly singing my song. I walk lightly, held tightly in His love, dwelling daily in His shadow. No longer a clanging gong.

Skating across the night sky, tendrils of love trail high. We descend slow, we rise again, Your love flowing steady through my heart and soul. With Your guidance I avoid the quick sand, with gratitude I dance, I leap, I clap my hands. Upon the Rock I land— angels gathering round, listening to the decrees You have spoken over my life. Plans to prosper, never to wound, to propel, never to restrain. Your favor pours without end, filling every hollow place within me. I stand before the King. Upon my hand He places a ring. My heart sings. His hand in mine, our hearts entwined, our minds aligned. The pact is eternal— never to be broken, never to leave me behind. Together we wade into rivers of holy ecstasy. Angels dance delightfully, their voices trumpet exuberant praise. They shine with the light of new wine, translucent with glory. A goblet is brought to me, filled with the King’s desires from the sea. I bow in reverence. He tilts my head until our eyes meet— and endless love is all I see. I fall into His arms. I know He will never let go. Lifted higher, my desire deepens: to know who I am, to know where I am going. Your winds of change rush through me. In awe of Your presence, I bow. We soar together, wingtip to wingtip, laughing, spinning somersaults through the heavens. We paint the sky in colors unknown to man. The stars themselves seem to tremble at Your majesty. Angels draw near, marveling at the depth of our love. Your heart beckons me closer. The atmosphere of Your love cascades all around. Even the earth releases a new sound— a sound so pure it revives the land, revives every cell of my being. It is my destiny to fly with You through eternity. A song rises— a melody of intimacy, a secret refrain composed in the chambers of Your love. Heaven tips its bowls, blessings pour forth for the fearful, the maligned. My King declares my royal place in His heavens above. And I— enfolded in Your embrace, realigned, revived, restored— sing the melody You placed within me from the very beginning.

I have seen so much horror, so much pain, hatred that corrodes, perversity that scars. Questions without answers. Doubts that circle like vultures, whispering, “What is life even for?” Shame consumed me, silence bound me, wounds reopened with every memory. Daggers thrown, daggers pulled out— scars left behind that made me weep, scream, and want to vanish. But the scars were never my disqualification. They became the map of my journey, the proof of my survival, the marks of beauty hidden in brokenness. So weary of pain, I collapsed. And in the quiet, a new sound rose— a melody so strong it pulled at my soul. Revelations of things unseen. A love I had never known before. It consumed me. It drew me near. The very atmosphere of Heaven wrapped me close. The vibrations of His love rocked me to my core. This was no fable, no fleeting story— it was truth deeper than any wound. With Him by my side, I found the courage to lift my head. With Him by my side, my tears dried— for His joy had already conquered my grief. He reminded me of who I am. He reminded me of destiny. He whispered that pain itself was only a passage— that every wound could be turned to gold in the fire of His redemption. Now I rise. I laugh at the lies of darkness. I wield the rod of joy like a weapon, driving despair back to hell. From this day forth— I choose to see the love He placed in me. I choose to see the grace He covered me with. From this day forth I know: all things are connected. You.Me .We. No more pain—only His glory woven into my scars.

Stinging pain in my mind, I reach for fragments lost to pride. I try to gather what slipped through my hands, but shame rises like a tide. Broken. Guilty. Dirt upon my face— a life that feels like disgrace. How can I let in love when brokenness stabs so deep? Breath is hard to find. Alone, I plead: “Please, dear God—why can’t I get it right? Why does it feel so hard just to be me?” Terrors come like thieves in the night, stealing peace, filling my marrow with fear. I cry out, “Whose voice is this? His? Hers? Mine?” Confusion dines at my table, leaving me starved of truth. And yet, even in despair, my heart whispers— “Please, dear God, pick me up. Hold me close. Fight back the darkness that stalks my nights. Anchor me in Your love, before pride devours me whole.” Broken wings. Crushed dreams. Shame behind me, terror around me— yet ahead, a horizon unfolds. Colors radiant, a feast prepared, a future I had not dared to dream My wings—once shattered—stir with life. Dreams once crushed breathe again. Drums resound, a rhythm of beginnings. To that beat, I rise and walk. Head lifted high, I see Him— my Beloved drawing near. Eyes ablaze with love, lips that kiss away the ashes off my brow. His fingers entwine with mine, a bond formed before time began. Strength encircles me. Roots of fortitude sink deep into my ground. The story of my brokenness is not my end. For in His hands, broken wings still fly, and crushed dreams live again.

Being alone may not be comfortable, but it is in solitude that we find the space, to discover who we are. It is in solitude that we see our strengths. It is in solitude that we slow down, breathe, and stop living someones dream. Sitting here, I realize - my whole life I have lived someone else's dream. So many years passed as I lived someone else's life. I was told what I should be like, what I should believe, what it means to be a woman. Who I should love. When I should cry. Who I should be - and that I must sacrifice my dreams. I was told sacrificing my dreams was proof of love. I was told to always put others first, no matter the cost to myself. Those ones... so very dark, those ones. They beat me. Scarred me. Used my body for their depravity. They left me broken and bleeding - every act a calculated cruelty. They laughed and forgot me once they were finished. I was no more than a plaything for their selfish ambition. Oh God, the dark nights. Fear consumed my every breath. Darkness closed in on every side, bringing instability and uncertainty It whispered the lie that I was not enough. But I see now - that lie stole my life from me. That lie kept me living someone else's life. Realizing it feels like the wind has been knocked from my lungs. I see it clearly: those dark nights of my childhood taught me to be drawn to darkness. They taught me to mistake cruelty for love. They taught me sadness. They taught me conformity. They taught me to seek out destruction and mediocrity. But now - In the quiet aftermath of decades past - I realize something important. I was meant for greatness beyond my wildest dreams and imaginations. I was meant to feel the wind on my face as I soar with the eagles. I was meant to hear the stars whisper ancient mysteries. I was meant to laugh and feel joy every day - to never be afraid. If I was taught to seek darkness, then I can unlearn it. The more I unlearn what was forced upon me, the more my true self is uncovered.

God’s existence is wrapped in layers of enigmas. For some, it carries stigmas. The creation of time— a mystery. For His Beloved, a beautiful history. A spoken word, or a big bang? I believe it all happened because His heart sang— melodically weaving our DNA. His heart yearned for companionship. Friends created in His perfect image. Ones to give ownership. Ones to co-create. Ones to fill with love, not hate. Ones to name each animal and star. Ones to trust, never wandering far. But in one moment, separation existed— breathed in by a lie from the darkness of hate. All was not lost. His grand plan already in place. A butterfly flaps its wings. God’s ultimate love pours upon the earth. All creation sings. Born into our realm, the Redeeming King. From the Heavens above to the depths of hell, His Spirit came— and humbled deaths grip, we must listen well. The One who stands above all. The One who will never fall. The One who will never drop the ball. Issued the day He came— the plan. The plan of hope. And upon this Rock, we stand.

Before You formed my being, before the first light broke, we soared. In the secret chambers of eternity, You dreamt of me. In the depths of holy intimacy, You shaped my forever—our forever. On the breath of Your dawn, we soar. (breathe) I am Yours, and You are mine. Our hearts entwined, Our minds aligned, Our spirits one—unbroken by time. On the breath of Your dawn, we soar. (breathe) You strike the first chord of my beginning, A rhythm my heart still follows. You drive my spirit toward love, toward hope, Toward giving away the countless blessings You place in my hands each day. On the breath of Your dawn, we soar. (breathe) My heart stirs when You draw near. You take me deeper than dreams dare go. My King—Your presence is holy wine, Pressed and poured into my cup. On the breath of Your dawn, we soar. (breathe) Cheek to cheek, hand in hand, We look together upon the land You’ve promised. I gaze—and tears of joy fall freely. On the breath of Your dawn, we soar. (breathe) I remember the times I doubted, The days when fear ruled and I turned back. I remember when I ran, forgetting Your love was everlasting And would never let go. On the breath of Your dawn, we soar. (breathe) Now my mind is renewed, My heart is infused with peace. I walk without fear. Your rivers of love flow freely. My eyes see clearly, My hands serve with passion. On the breath of Your dawn, we soar. (breathe) "On a day I needed to feel His presence encapsulate my being more than ever, I sat before Him and as I did I felt His presence wrap around me. He gently reminded my heart where I truly come from—how I was meant to live according to higher thoughts and ways that exist only in Him. Without Him, I am like chaff in the wind—here one day, gone the next—drifting without purpose beyond my own ambitions. Existence apart from Him is emptiness; it is a life lived in vain. But to breathe Him in…To taste His presence…To feel His embrace…To understand that my life has divine purpose—that changed everything. I was knit together by the hands of Love, taken into the most secret places of His being, and fashioned in His likeness.This leaves me in awe and wonder at the vastness of who He is and all He has done. He is everything. He created humanity for relationship and friendship—His heart in ours, our hearts in His.We are His, and He is ours. Remember that every breath leaving your lungs was intricately designed, counted, and given with a perfect plan in mind. He knows you by name. He sees exactly where you are. He is your inhale and your exhale—and you are His. He longs for you to know Him as deeply as He knows you.You were created to soar on the breath of His dawn. He is your First Love, and you are His.His name is Jesus".

Before you created my existence on the breath of Your dawn we soared In the most secret places You dreamt of me In the deepest places of intimacy You created my forever, our eternity On the breath of Your dawn we soar (breathe) I am Yours and You are mine Our hearts entwined Our minds aligned Our spirits as one for all time On the breath of Your dawn we soar (breathe) You sound off my beginning rhythm My heart and spirit are being driven To love and hope and to give away The countless blessings given to me every day On the breath of Your dawn we soar (breathe) My heart skips a beat when I feel You come near You take me deeper than I could ever dream My King, Your presence is so divine Your cup held to my lips filled with new wine On the breath of Your day we soar (breathe) Cheek to cheek, hand in hand Together we gaze upon the land The new land You’ve bequeathed to me As I gaze, I weep joyfully On the breath of Your dawn we soar (breathe) Remembering all the times I doubted and cursed All the times fear took over and I reversed All the times I ran away, forgetting Your love is everlasting and here to stay On the breath of Your dawn we soar (breathe) My mind renewed My heart imbued At peace, I walk with ease Your rivers of love flow freely My eyes see so clearly My hands render passionately On the breath of your dawn We soar (breathe) "To live and exist within The Creator's sacred presence has always been the destiny of His creation. When we are born, there is so much that pulls us away from Him as it tries to conform us to dead and earthly things. As I sat with Him this day, He so sweetly reminded my heart where I originally came from and how I was allowed to live according to higher thoughts and ways that exist solely in Him. Without Him, I am as chaff in the wind, here one day and gone the next, with no purpose other than my own. Existence without Him is nothing and truly a life lived in vain. To breathe Him in, to taste His presence, to feel His embrace, to come to an understanding that there is a purpose to my existence has left me changed. Learning that my being was knit together by the hands of love; taken into the most secret places within Himself and fashioned in His likeness, leaves me in awe and wonder at the vastness of who and what He is. He is everything". "He created humanity with the desire of relationship and friendship. We are Him and He is us. As you go through your day, remember to breathe, remember that every breath that exits your lungs was intricately designed and numbered according to a perfect plan in mind. He knows you by your name and sees exactly where you are. Know, that He is your inhale and your exhale and you are His. He knows you and longs for you to know Him. Created to soar on the breath of His dawn, He is your First Love and you are His. His name is Jesus".